Monday, September 24, 2012

a decade

It's crazy to think that it was 10 whole years ago my life changed.  It was such a busy and unforgettable summer...I spent the summer dancing in Italy and enjoyed every single minute of living and breathing Italy, two of my brothers got married, we found out that my sister in law and brother were expecting their first child and days after that, I had a billion messages on my answering machine, my boyfriend at the time had a bunch of missed calls, my family had even called my roommate looking for me.

I remember that morning and how I thought how pretty the sky looked as I drove to my ballet class.  When I got to school, my roommate had told me that my family had been looking for me and was calling (I found out about all the missed calls and messages when I got home).  I had a strange feeling and went and called my brother from a pay phone in the lobby of the building, oh the days before I had a cell phone.  I had found out that my Dad had had a heart attack and didn't make it.  When they told me my Dad had died, the first thing that popped in my head was a car accident or something but not a heart attack.  My Dad had quit smoking 10 years prior to this, had lost weight, worked in construction in the heat in North Carolina and was pretty active lifting, moving stuff around, hammering, etc. He wasn't the poster child of fitness and health but he also wasn't obese eating donuts and fatty food all day long, but that isn't always the way it works right, you hear about super healthy people having heart attacks running, at the gym. Never even knowing that something was wrong to begin with.

The rest of the day was kinda blurry, I remember going back to the dance studio telling the ballet instructor I had to leave because my dad had a heart attack, the words "my dad died this morning"  never made it out of my mouth, too much shock, didn't want to believe it.  My roommate drove me back to my apartment to wait for my family to come get me.  My parents were living in Charlotte, NC at the time so we had to wait for my mom and then my Dad to arrive to make any funeral arrangements.  It was a long couple of days.  I just kept thinking about the ridiculous things that would come out of people's mouths and what they have the audacity to say to me.  It's coming full circle for me being pregnant.  It's as if for any huge life changing event in someone's lives, people flail and can say such inappropriate things  - Weddings, funerals, and birth.  I like to give them the benefit of the doubt, blame it on them being uncomfortable and not knowing how to comfort and support someone or just plain old social awkwardness.  If you don't know what to say, don't say anything, a hug, a smile, or just standing by that person's side does wonders, really. However I appreciated my friends who basically never left my side except to sleep and the cards and letters I received in the mail.

I think back to last year and how upset I was that I planned my wedding the week after my dad's anniversary not having him there to walk me down the aisle.  It was a hard summer to begin with and then this.  I see a lot of my father in my husband.  I guess they say it's true that you really do marry someone like your father.   So I took comfort in that. I had my dad mentioned during my ceremony as well as the favors were donations to the american heart association.

I think about how I was and still am about my Dad and how our little girl is going to look up at Logan the same way and that makes me smile, plus the image of Logan putting pig tails in her hair also pops in my head and makes me giggle.

So I will leave this blog post with one of my favorite pictures of my Dad and I. Just a rough day for me overall and of course it's Monday.


Lindsay said...

I'm crying. Of course. Love you!

Mary Santora said...

Aw, Steph. Your dad was a good man. That is an adorable picture by the way. I wish you and Logan all the best in your future, with your anxiously anticipated arrival! Love, Mary E.

The Slogans said...

you are too sweet :)

The Slogans said...

Thanks Mary! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment too, it means a lot.